For My Gram

On January 21, 2009, my grandmother, affectionately known as Gram - to many, not just her grandkids - passed away quietly in her bed at my Aunt and Uncle's house in Beverly Hills, California. What follows is a brief account of her tremendous life (with a grateful acknowledgment to the story told by my Aunt Christina, my namesake, at the celebration of Gram's life). I love you, Gram, and will miss you forever.

At my wedding - October 2007

Dorothy and her twin brother, Donald, were born in in Ohio in June of 1918 to John Wickern, a German immigrant, and his Irish Catholic wife, Katherine. All told, John and Katie had six children and they lived a quiet life, John working for a railroad company until his sudden death, helping to put out a neighbor's fire, when Dorothy was only 7 years old.

Life changed after that and her mother never fully recovered from the loss. The family survived the Great Depression running a boarding house. At 14, an intrepid and headstrong teenager, Dorothy visited a Methodist Church with a friend, bringing scorn from her mother and the family's Catholic priest - an early act of her fiercely independent spirit. She always believed in God until the end of her life, just not the exclusively Catholic version.

At some point the family moved to Montana, where all six Wickern children worked to contribute to the family - the three oldest never finished high school. But Dorothy graduated high school with the highest honors and got a scholarship to college - her mother refused to let her go, insisting she stay behind to work with her siblings. A year later, she was determined to find her own destiny and, though her scholarship was lost, she left for college anyway, now the family black-sheep. Her mother never forgave her.

An indomitable spirit - sometime in the late 1930's

Dorothy arrived in Missoula with $9 to her name. Though she had no job, money or place to live upon her arrival, through courage and determination, she talked to her way into the school, got a job at a drug store and roomed in a boarding house. She worked her way through college and studied journalism.

She taught school, coached a boys basketball team during WWII and eventually became a social worker. Through her work, she met a handsome, Swedish doctor, 11 years her senior, Oscar Gustave Benson, who was immediately smitten by her. She laughed in his face, the story goes, when he proposed marriage but she did accept. Oscar bought her a two story home that she had her eye one and a complete set of silver as a wedding gift. Though her stories of him were rare later in life, he was a good man and she loved him very much. They lived in Plentywood, Montana and soon had two children, Irish twins: John (my father) born in June 1947 and Christina, born just a few days shy of one year later.

Tragedy struck Dorothy once again: Oscar had a stroke and died in 1951; John and Christina were just 3 and 2 years old. Now a young widow, like her own mother had been, she sold the house and packed up for Billings. A few years, a failed marriage and one more child later, my beloved Aunt Dea, she left again to seek a new destiny - this time in far away San Diego, California.

In California, she continued as a social worker for the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society, obtained her Masters degree and raised three children on her own - in a time when being a single mother was not an accepted norm. The family home was always filled with friends and often occupied by one or two young, unwed mothers-to-be that Dorothy would bring to home stay from her work. Growing up, my father's home was always open to all, the "it" hang-out spot among all of their friends. Gram kept in touch with many of the lives that she touched in those days, the number of people who turned up at her 80th and 90th birthday parties, then again at her memorial service, with stories about how my grandmother saved their lives and accepted them when no one else would, was astounding. To call her inspiring doesn't even come close.

As her kids grew older and entered college, she took a job with the Navy in Point Loma, CA, and was in charge of the follow-up of families of Vietnam soldiers who were POW's or MIA during the war. She traveled all over the country, to each of the 50 states supposedly, sleeping in seedy hotels, living off of crackers (so she could save the money from her allotted per diem to pay for the kids' college tuition), visiting the families of missing servicemen, comforting them in their grief. Certainly, she knew a thing or two about it. Eventually, she went full time for the Navy in Southern California and continued her work on and off-the-clock as a self-described "Social Worker at Large".

The years passed, each of her three children finished college; two became doctors, another a nurse-turned-accountant. Each a success, each knowing that family and a career were possible because of Gram's selfless example raising them on her own and yet always serving others. She moved to Los Angeles in the early 1990's to be closer to her children and grandchildren and lived out her "retirement" working in a quilt shop, teaching quilting at the senior center, taking the bus to LACC to teach English to immigrants and traveling all over the world with family and friends.

At age 80, she signed up with a friend, just for fun, for an improv class at the senior center. She caught the attention of a talent agent and embarked on yet another career - this time, as a commercial actress, where her fearlessness and sense of humor served her well. I believe, though am not totally sure, that she appeared in some 15 or more television commercials, at least one music video (Moby - "Natural Blues") and several print ads. I don't even know all of the ads she appeared in, sadly, we don't have copies of all of them. Her "most famous" gig was in an internet marketing campaign for Mountain Dew as "Sue Teller" in a series of "Dew Your Own Adventure" YouTube videos. The videos gained so much traction that The Tonight Show and Ellen Degeneres Show came calling to have her appear on the air - alas, illness overtook her before she could continue her Hollywood career. Most of her work was from 2000-2005, just before YouTube became so pervasive, so only a few of commercials are available online.

Here she is as Sue Teller for Mountain Dew--



And here is an Anhueser-Busch ad that ran during the Super Bowl in 2005. The tribute to our military servicemen/women is apropos, given her life's work for the Navy and Marines. Gram appears blink-and-you'll-miss-her at 00:09 and 00:26 --


(Funny story: this aired at the Super Bowl party that I was at in Boston, the Patriots won that year, and I screamed out "Holy cow, that's my GRANDMOTHER!" at the TV in the middle of the assembled crowd because I didn't know she'd be appearing, everyone thought I was crazy ... or drunk)

As MY grandmother, she was, simply, the best. Non-stop love and presents, all the time. She was definitely my grandparent that spoiled me (hopefully not rotten!). I got a new stuffed animal every time I saw her, and usually a crisp $20 bill as well. She loved to take long walks, and those are my strongest memories - long walks in Los Angeles or Redlands, just talking through my childish thoughts that she loved. She was a great cook and loved the rain, especially splashing in puddles. My Gram was an amazing seamstress and made elaborate quilts as gifts and to sell. In her last days, when she was too weak to quilt, she turned to sewing little pillows in a million different fabrics that she handed out like candy to anyone she met. I have a closet full of these little pillows that I will treasure forever and give to my kids. I also have one quilt, that she made just for me, when I graduated from college - its one of my prized possessions.

As I sat through Gram's service last month, listening to story after story from friends and family from through out her 90 year life, I fought back tears. But they weren't tears of sadness; Gram had lived a full life and, though I'll miss her terribly, she is no longer suffering from her ailments of old age. Her passing was peaceful and I accept it as part of life and God's plan. My tears that day, and even now, were the welling of immense joy and hope.

Her life was full of hardship, tough odds and tragedy. But Gram was pure joy. When I think about my life as legacy to hers, I think about making a difference, loving my friends as family and, not just accepting but cherishing the unique situations of others I meet through out my life and learning from them with humility. And I feel hopeful because if there's even a little bit of my Gram's spirit carried on in me, then maybe I have a fighting change to become even a fraction of the pioneering, fearless woman that she was.

Gram loved poetry; its fitting that her son (my Dad) and her grandson (my brother) are both talented, award-winning poets. At her service, I read one of her favorite poems, and now one of mine (though I profess to be being one of her poetry-deficient descendants) -- the poem itself sums up her approach to life beautifully, she counted many years of strife well lost and gave all that she had been and could be.

Barter, by Sara Teasdale
"Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things,
Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children's faces looking up
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,
Music like a curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And for your spirit's still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,
Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be."

And she remained victorious, even to the last.
Dorothy Benson
June 11, 1918 - January 21, 2009