Those wily Mormons, what will they think of next- thong-style holy undergarments? If I'd ever been tempted into a life of spirit babies and patriarchal domination, such thoughts were quickly put asunder halfway through my review of the assimilation litarature, Roadmap to the Celestial Kingdom; specifically the chapter titled, “Satan Speaks Through Caffeine”. Not even the promise of inhabiting my husband’s very own universe in the after-life could induce me to abandon my coffee addiction. They can pry the steamy mug of robust, percolated java heaven out of my cold dead fingers.
Ya know, I actually applied to BYU School of Law last year. It’s a fantastic school, by all accounts: top-notch professors, elitist admissions proceedings, extremely affordable tuition, recruited by top national firms for its reputation for ethics, all nestled in the beauty of the Utah mountains. Heck, sign me up! [plus i say “heck”, i’d fit right in] The only catch is that all non-LDS applicants must be interviewed for pre-approval by a church official, so that we, the heathens, are well aware that the drinking and the smoking and the fornicating will not be tolerated under their banner.
Since I’ve never been someone for whom “rebellious” was an apt descriptor, I felt reasonably confidant that I didn’t have too much to hide [except that one time in mexico, and maybe that other time in vegas and, uhhhh, yeeeah], so I went ahead and made an appointment at my friendly, neighborhood ward. But when the gentle, yet stern Bishop serving as my Interrogator of Righteousness started in on the list of "Thou Shalt Not"s and got to the one about abstaining from coffee and other caffeine by-products I knew I was totally busted. I could have attempted to lie and been all, “No problem-o, my favorite drink is Tang!”, but the twitch in my eye was already screaming, “Hey, dude, this has been awesome, but can we wrap it up pretty quick- I’m jonesing for a quadruple, easy-foam, skim latte like you wouldn’t believe and I think I saw a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf down the street on my way in …”, so I knew fibbing was probably out.
Instead, I gingerly admitted that, yes, on occasion, I do enjoy a nip of the devil’s frothy brew, and the Bishop was actually pretty cool about it. He basically said that, more than anything, the Honor Code of clean living is something to be respected and understood by the non-LDS students, but that no one was going to go around sniffing my travel mug or photographing me leaving Starbucks. He couldn’t stress enough, however, the importance of not “shacking up” outside wedlock, engaging in conspicuous binge drinking, and using illegal street drugs in an open, flaunting spectacle and was I ok with this? Once I assured him that getting sauced and snorting lines off my lesbian lover’s ass in public was something I could probably give up for a couple of years to earn a top-notch law degree he seemed totally mollified.
Seriously though, the Bishop was a pretty cool guy, gave my application his hearty Priesthood recommendation and wished me the best of luck. Yet, I still didn’t get accepted to BYU Law; “wait-listed”, or as I like to call it “rejection with a bow on top”. It’s all for the best, really. What if one of my Vivarins were to be mistakenly ingested by some pure, unsuspecting student thinking it was Tylenol or a multi-vitamin and a school-wide epidemic of Jesse-Spano-like proportions tore loose? I wouldn’t want that hanging over my head. That and I would never have enjoyed the sanity-saving, shit-faced comradery of my fellow BC 1Ls. Plus, the Provo winters can’t be much better than Boston’s and I’m pretty sure I'd have lost a limb to frost bite in the Great Blizzard of ’05 if not for the enveloping love of hot, fresh caffeine-loaded coffee.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment