I like to have a “next thing” in the works at all times. There’s not been a time in my life within memory that I wasn’t supremely focused on the next thing to do in my life. My Mom will tell you that every night when I was very young, she’d tuck me into bed at night and I’d ask “What are we doing tomorrow? What are we doing next week? What is coming up?”. I needed to know the agenda and forthcoming obligations at all times. When times were still innocent, it was summer camp (I packed months in advance) or good grades or Christmas. Then it was having a boyfriend. It was not being a social troll in high school. It was going to college. It was writing my thesis. It was going to law school. It was passing the bar exam and being a lawyer. It was getting married.
And for the first time, possibly ever, I don’t know what the next thing is. And its very uncomfortable for me. My calender for 2008 is blank. Following a year in which I graduated law school, took the bar, moved to a new home, started a new job and got married, you’d think I would be glad for a little peace and quiet. But I’m not. I like movement and goals and plans and active, rotating to-do lists. An empty day-planner is my enemy.
There’s a part of me, no joke, that has lately thought “maybe I should have a baby” for no other reason than it would be something big to accomplish. Folks, if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that having a baby simply because you have nothing else going on that year is a paltry excuse for procreation. But when you get married everyone gets all “when are you going to start a family?” and this is very dangerous for someone like me because I will do it just because I think it’s a logical next thing for me to do, for the “next thing”’s sake alone.
Don’t worry (or should I say “don’t get too excited, potential grandmothers”), I am not having a baby. Not anytime soon, not if I can rightly help it. Instead, it occurs to me after wrestling with restlessness for the past few months that the next item on my to-do list should read: chill the freak out.
And who am I kidding, I am a person in constant (I hope) progress. There will never not be something next to accomplish. What I am learning is that the next thing might not be as outwardly obvious to the world as a law degree or a marriage. I could be more patient. I could be a better friend. I could be a better steward of my blessings. I could be more open to God’s plans and more closed to my own. Can I accomplish stillness and quiet and waiting and seeing? Can I display real faith? It would be a first. It could be the next big thing.
And for the first time, possibly ever, I don’t know what the next thing is. And its very uncomfortable for me. My calender for 2008 is blank. Following a year in which I graduated law school, took the bar, moved to a new home, started a new job and got married, you’d think I would be glad for a little peace and quiet. But I’m not. I like movement and goals and plans and active, rotating to-do lists. An empty day-planner is my enemy.
There’s a part of me, no joke, that has lately thought “maybe I should have a baby” for no other reason than it would be something big to accomplish. Folks, if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that having a baby simply because you have nothing else going on that year is a paltry excuse for procreation. But when you get married everyone gets all “when are you going to start a family?” and this is very dangerous for someone like me because I will do it just because I think it’s a logical next thing for me to do, for the “next thing”’s sake alone.
Don’t worry (or should I say “don’t get too excited, potential grandmothers”), I am not having a baby. Not anytime soon, not if I can rightly help it. Instead, it occurs to me after wrestling with restlessness for the past few months that the next item on my to-do list should read: chill the freak out.
And who am I kidding, I am a person in constant (I hope) progress. There will never not be something next to accomplish. What I am learning is that the next thing might not be as outwardly obvious to the world as a law degree or a marriage. I could be more patient. I could be a better friend. I could be a better steward of my blessings. I could be more open to God’s plans and more closed to my own. Can I accomplish stillness and quiet and waiting and seeing? Can I display real faith? It would be a first. It could be the next big thing.
2 comments:
When we reminisce, we tend to look back at those milestones and yes, the quest for "the next big thing" can be rather consuming. I've learned, quite recently though, that I am more the product of those many tiny steps that happen in the day to day. That's just me of course.
Best of luck in finding it. Or not. Or something. It's the stuff we don't quite grasp that makes life life methinks. Good day. Blog on!
Your next big thing: NASHVILLE!!! It's on the calendar, girl! Oh, and I got a bed, so we can share. :) Hopefully I'll have a couch by then, too. :)
IT'S GOING TO BE AMAZING!
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