Thanks a Latte!

Being unemployed is the hardest "job" I've ever had - really and truly. Except by choice, I have not been out of work since I was fifteen years old. No matter how crummy the job (and I've had a few awful ones, Quizno's comes to mind...), at least I had one and had that purpose. Maybe I hated making over-priced toasted sandwiches but, by gum, if I had to I was going to make the best dang over-priced, toasted sandwich ever.

But this existence is purposeless. And, for me, that is among the most dreaded states of being. I wasn't a big fan of my last job but I always showed up and I always tried; that gave me purpose, even if relevance was hard to come by. Now, I wake up and ponder getting up for the day and can't help but asking "what for?". That's awful, I know, but I do get up ... eventually, and put one foot in front of the other and try to find some meaning in the moment, some purpose in the day even if its nothing more than a trip to the dog park or dinner on the table.

For the first few weeks of this I managed to stay reasonably busy and distracted. It was still the holidays, so that helped, and having been a working person I had the usual back-log of "life things" to catch up on. I tackled those projects and errands with gusto and checked one item after another of my to-do list. My house has never been so clean! The organization would astound you! But wouldn't you know, just a few days later, without fail, the smudges creep back upon the floor and the carefully color-coded closet begins to slide into disarray. A housewife's work really is never done. Wow, I can't believe that now applies to me. (NOTE: there is nothing wrong with being a housewife if a) it is your choice or b) you have children to raise and since neither a) nor b) apply to me you can understand my dilemma - no judgment of others intended)

But now as the initial to-do list is dwindling, it is becoming more and more difficult to find ways to fill my time. Flutie needs daily exercise, so that's always something to cross of the list. And so do I, another thing to take care of. Usually there's a few other little piddling things to do (dry cleaners, groceries, post office, etc.) but quickly the day runs dry. Most days by about 4pm, I'm at a loss and I can go, go, go no further. I am forced to stop and in the silence and still is so much sadness. That is when the emptiness and loss surround me and I will literally do anything to occupy myself away from it. Those are the moments when my canned goods get alphabetized. From then on its a long wait for Dan to come home from work. I watch the clock for companionship, but many nights I am already in bed before he walks through the door. At least one of us is gainfully employed, so I must not complain.

Luckily, I got a couple of fun "toys" for Christmas (not including Dan's Wii, also fun). From my parents, an ice cream maker and a starter set of Wilton cake decorating tools. I have been practicing my writing skills and flower-making a few days a week with cheap store-bought icing. I have about zero art and creativity skills, but am determined not to get frustrated and keep trying. Soon I need to bake an actual cake and put my practice to the test, but there aren't any birthdays or other occasions coming up. And I cannot just make a cake for the fun of it. Because I will eat it. I'm not very good yet, but am hopeful that I can improve with time. My mother took a cake decorating class back in her newlywed days and used to make all my and my brother's birthday cakes growing up - and they were awesome. I'd love to be able to do the same for my family. Here's a little sampling of my "work":

The ice cream maker is so much fun! My mother liked the one she got me so much she may have to buy one for herself. I say, do it, Mom! It's so easy and delicious. So far I have made a batch of cookie dough and mint chip, just for me and Dan. I am banning myself from making any more until we can share. I'm actively trying to shed a few pounds right now and can't sit at home all day making cakes and ice cream, as much as I'd like to ...


Next, we combined a few generous cash gifts from Christmas to buy a really nice coffee/espresso maker. Within a one block proximity to the building in which Dan and I worked (yes, we worked in the same high rise, how cute ... no longer!) there was a Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts, Au Bon Pain and Panera - i.e. more coffee choices than any caffeine-junkie could ever hope for. So we never had a coffee maker at home, there was simply no need. But now that I am home and mildly depressed I need coffee more than ever to get my head on straight and plow through the long, tough days. The nearest coffee shop to our home is just a few blocks away but in this weather that is a few blocks too many (yesterday it was 15 degrees below zero, I kid you not). After a little research and price-comparisons, we are now the proud owners of this:

And I am now enjoying fresh, frothy lattes at home! I was skeptical because I love both the ambiance and expertise of a real coffee shop but in lieu of that the espresso and steamed milk this machine makes are honest-to-goodness just as good (well, nearly) as the $4 version I am used to buying nearly every day. The drip coffee isn't bad either, although I'm still adjusting the grounds/water combination to find the best brew. Since this isn't a $15,000 commercial espresso machine, it takes a bit longer, is rather noisy and I have to clean all the parts each day before the next use. But really? Let's be honest, it's not like I don't have the time.

I've also been playing with my camera more and trying to teach myself Photoshop (another Christmas gift). The reason I wanted to get into Photoshop was because iPhoto on my Mac is so completely inept and infuriating. But Google finally released a Mac beta of Picassa, so now I am just falling back on that like old times and its been tough to make much progress with my foray into Photoshop. I won't give up entirely, I just need a real tutorial at some point. Anyhow, here's my attempt at the macro setting aimed at the espresso machine:



And just for good measure, here's a photo of my little dog-child out romping in the freshly fallen snow - he's turning into a winter pup yet!